25 Aug 2010
Why do people continue to want to believe in The X Factor? The revelation that auto-tune has been used to enhance (and possibly, in some instances, even worsen) performances has been greeted with shock, with fans voicing disappointment and tabloid headlines denouncing it as the TV scandal of the year. But, for me, the biggest surprise is that anyone is surprised.
The use of post-production studio trickery to shape contestants’ vocals simply adds another layer of manipulation to a show that is contrived to the point of near-outright fraudulence. Defending themselves against accusations of sharp practise, ITV boss Peter Fincham declared “The X Factor is the biggest entertainment show on British TV,” carefully avoiding any use of the dread phrase “talent contest”.
So that’s entertainment? It is as if Simon Cowell has been recast as a cabaret act, a magician pulling pop stars out his hat. We all know it’s a trick, we just don’t want to see how it was done.
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Published: 23 Jun 2010
I once asked Paul Simonon of The Clash how he felt about the Glastonbury music festival, and he looked utterly aghast. “I have never played Glastonbury and I never would,” he said, in tones of near comical outrage.
“Joe Strummer spent years trying to get me to change my mind but culturally and even ethically it has got nothing to do with my life. Notting Hill Carnival is more my speed.”
Glastonbury disasters Strong words. So I wonder how he felt when Damon Albarn informed him that Gorillaz were filling in for U2 as Glastonbury headliners this year? His old Clash band mate, Mick Jones, now a fellow member of the Gorillaz ensemble, had a good chuckle at Simonon’s dilemma. “I wouldn’t say Paul’s changed his mind. Maybe he’s had it changed for him. Glastonbury is a little bit of an endurance test, especially if you don’t like mud.”
I have some sympathy with Simonon. I’m not going to Glastonbury this year. I didn’t go last year. And I probably won’t go next year, if I can find a reasonable excuse, like staying home to do the laundry. I realise this is a controversial position for a music critic, akin (as my fellow critic and Glastonbury nay-sayer Paul Morley recently remarked) to a tennis writer missing Wimbledon. Since its 1970 inception as the Glastonbury Fayre (when a mere 1500 people attended) it has built a reputation as Britain’s pre-eminent music themed gathering, with a near mystical status. This may be part of my problem with it.
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Published: 11 Jun 2010
Perhaps the vuvuzelas will drown out World Cup pop songs Photo: AP
To be honest, I dread the World Cup. It’s not that I’ve got anything against the beautiful game: it’s a little side-event that disturbs my equilibrium, namely the question of which mercenary team of pop stars, minor celebrities and comedians is going to see off the competition and hold aloft that most cherished of prizes, a chart-topping spot as chosen anthem of England’s World Cup campaign.
For, come tournament time, we music critics are called upon to turn our attention from Bob Dylan and Arctic Monkeys to evaluating the aesthetic merits of, say, the cast of Hollyoaks mugging their way through Sing For England or Terry Venables belting out If I Can Dream with a 60-piece orchestra and guest appearances by Harry Redknapp and Ian Wright.
I don’t deny that football and music go together. Indeed, a football stadium is probably the last place in Britain where you can hear outbreaks of spontaneous communal singing. And then there are the musical efforts of footballers themselves. Show them a microphone and they will soon be wailing away with an enthusiasm usually reserved for goal celebrations, even though most players deserve to be mown down by the groundsmen for their less than perfect pitch.
There was a time when real rockers would have nothing to do with football, unless (like Elton John) they were rich enough to buy a team.
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May 11th, 2010
Julie Andrews at 74: the hills are alive with the sound of croaking
Why do singers keep on singing, long after their voice has gone? The question is being asked after 74-year-old Dame Julie Andrew’s staged a comeback at London’s O2 Arena, despite her once crystal clear, fluttering four-octave voice having been reduced (by the inevitable ravages of age and an operation to remove polyps from her vocal chords) to a single and rather smoky octave.
To be fair to the Dame, she has been candid about her vocal limitations. “I want to assure you I can still sing the hell out of … Old Man River,” she jokes during a set that she has been occasionally performing since 2008. Still there have been inevitable protests and demands for refunds from some audience members, who seem to have been deluded enough to have forked out sizeable sums for an evening with a septuagenarian and expected her to perform just like they remembered from her golden youth.
What do we expect from our aging musical idols? Andrews is not the first and won’t be the last singing star to carry on way past their prime.
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Published: 5:02PM BST 12 Apr 2010
Are pop stars getting younger, or am I just getting older?
The first true pop star of the internet era is upon us and I think it is fair to say it is not what anyone expected. All the sci-fi possibilities of home computer recording programmes, digital distribution offering instant global exposure, the unlimited visual magic of CGI, the power of viral marketing and social networking, YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and what do we get? Justin Bieber, a 21st-century Donny Osmond.
If you haven’t heard of Bieber, it probably means you are not a 10 to 15-year-old girl, nor have one about the house.
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February 3rd, 2010
Like sonic aftershocks that inevitably follow any modern disaster, the reverberations of the Haiti earthquake can be heard all over the airwaves, as celebrities raise their voice in song.
This week, not one but two all-star charity singles are being unveiled. First up from the UK is Simon Cowell’s version of REM’s ‘Everybody Hurts’, which will be swiftly followed from the US by Quincy Jones re-recording of ‘We Are The World.’ Between them, they have mustered about 100 pop stars, over emoting for a good cause. The message is coming through loud and clear: We have felt your pain … now its your turn to feel ours.
I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. There is an air of sanctity around charity records that effectively puts them beyond criticism. Indeed, when Radio One DJ Chris Moyle unveiled the Helping Haiti version of ‘Everybody Hurts’ on his show, his remarks were confined to noting where the money was going, concluding “It doesn’t matter whether you like it or not.”
I just can’t bring myself to be so circumspect. I write this from the position of a music critic, not a philanthropist. I already gave, and I’d give a bit more not to hear this record again, although I suspect it’s going to be hard to avoid.
I was anticipating the worst and Simon Cowell has not let me down. The record is truly awful.
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December 21st, 2009
An angry, obscene, political rap metal rant beats a sugary, X Factor shoo-in to the number one spot, and suddenly it feels like Christmas. Rage Against The Machine’s unlikely hit should remind us that Xmas has not been rebranded Xfactormas, an annual marketing opportunity for Simon Cowell’s slick, light entertainment TV juggernaut.
Cowell, Cheryl Cole and others with a vested interest have complained that this was a negative campaign that has robbed an innocent boy of his dream (I’m sure Joe McElderry will get over it, hopefully on a cruise ship to Antarctica), while insulting the tastes of ordinary consumers to boot. But they just don’t get it. A lot of people are genuinely sick of the distorting affect Cowell’s formulaic karaoke shows have had on pop culture. And, guess what, it turns out there are more of us than there are X Factor fans.
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Published: 4:41PM GMT 16 Dec 2009
Best use of their dressing up box
Despite tough competition from Lady GaGa, Little Boots and Florence Welch, the award goes to Ellie Jackson of La Roux for her shameless revival of Eighties fashion disasters
Best use of Autotune:
Lady GaGa: “It’s not for my voice. If the kids don’t hear autotune, it’s not hip.”
Greatest Contribution to Global Warming
U2’s 360 degree world tour required 120 trucks to transport three 160 foot, 390 tonne space age “claw” sets. Environmentalists estimated CO2 emissions of 65,000 tonnes, the equivalent of leaving a standard 100 watt lightbulb on for 159,000 years, albeit considerably more entertaining. But it’s alright, cause Bono’s going to save the world.
Pantomime villain
Simon Cowell. He’s behind you. And in front of you. You just can’t get away from him.
Most original lyric
Shakira, for ‘She Wolf’, in which the Colombian philanthropist and sex symbol compared herself to a lycanthrope in a closet, and complained of feeling abused “like a coffee machine in an office”.
Best comeback
The Beatles. There’s only two of them still alive and kicking but that didn’t stop the Fabs returning as computer avatars and topping the charts by selling fans the same albums all over again.
Worst timing
Oasis. 15 minutes before they were due on stage, two gigs before the end of a triumphant stadium tour, Noel threw his toys out of the pram for the very last time. Allegedly.
Death Is Not The End Award
Michael Jackson. Never made it to the O2. Still managed an unlikely rehabilitation.
Song of the Year
Lily Allen: The Fear. Existential nausea you can hum.
Album of The Year
The people chose Susan Boyle. I choose Jamie T for ‘Kings And Queens’, a record of hip hop folk rock mash up that sounds like it could only exist right here, right now.
15 years after the launch of Telegraph.co.uk, the digital revolution has left the music industry gripped by uncertainty.
Published: 26 Nov 2009
Once upon a time (as we might one day tell our children) we bought music in record stores, listened to it on the radio, read about it in magazines and watched it on Top Of The Pops. All of which already seems archaic, the lost era of 20th pop culture, of hit records we could all sing by superstars who lived in the lap of luxury.
Today, we download music from an infinite online library, stream it on computers, watch it on YouTube, discuss it on blogs and individually soundtrack our lives with personalised playlists on mobile devices, iPods and phones.
What we don’t like to do is pay for it.
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Published: 26 Nov 2009
Bob Dylan: “A voice like sand and glue” in Bowie’s memorable phrase. Contrary to what many of his critics would assert, Dylan actually sings in tune but his harsh, barbed-wire timbre & attacking delivery has been inspiration for every tone deaf poet with a guitar. But with songs like these, who cares whether he can really sing or not?
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