Uncharitable thoughts on a charity record
Last updated: January 26th, 2010

Simon Cowell: he just wants you to hurt like he does
It’s not bad enough that Simon Cowell ruined Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’. Now he’s going to trample all over REM’s ‘Everybody Hurts’. And you can’t even complain, cause its for charity. Quick, everybody, hide all the Bob Dylan records before Cowell discovers them too.
The original ‘Everybody Hurts’ is one of my favourite songs, a strung out, tender offering of compassion, a song about fighting depression that gains real power from the grit and gravel in Michael Stipe’s voice and the toughness and understatement of the arrangement, which has a bitterness to it where a more obvious structure would just make it saccharine. The counter-cultural context of REM’s alternative rock oeuvre allows them to strike to the heart without pandering to cheap sentiment.
Now just imagine the same song, with (I’m sorry, it pains me to say this) Susan Boyle, Mariah Carey, Robbie Williams, Take That, Leona Lewis, Cheryl Cole, James Morrison, Alexandra Burke, Michael Buble and JLS swapping lines.
Cheryl: “Don’t let yourself go …”
Leona: “Everybody cries …”
JLS: “And everybody hurts sometimes”
Mariah Carey “Wo-o-oh-oh-yeah, evereebodee hu-u-u-urtsssss!”
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Does Bruce Springsteen belong at the Brits?
January 19th, 2010

look out, Fearne, he's behind you ...
This years nominees for the Brit Awards have been announced. On her BBC Radio One show, Brits presenter and all round witless media gal Fearne Cotton (pictured in her work clothes, above) excitedly announced that there were some “shock inclusions”, but the only example she could come up with (twice) was Bruce Springsteen.
Hmm. One of the greatest songwriters and premiere rock stars of the last forty years releases universally praised hit album the same year he headlines Glastonbury festival and is nominated for best International Male Solo Artist. Shocking, truly shocking. Did you know Bruce is over 21? Maybe that’s why Fearne hadn’t heard of him before.
In fact, there are no surprises in the Brits nominations list,
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Susan Boyle: the story continues
January 14th, 2010
My article about the underlying technological and social factors driving the global success of Susan Boyle has stirred up a hornet’s nest.
Alongside a plethora of mainly derogatory comments on the Telegraph website and Susan Boyle blogs, I have been receiving insults on twitter from fans who apparently think attack is the best form of defence (although I am still confused about what they imagine they are defending her against). As danzelldark commented on the Telegraph forum, “Haven’t you realised yet that SB is surrounded by a praetorian guard of thousands?”
Well, yes, I could hardly have missed it. Judging by the internet responses to articles I write, Susan Boyle’s self appointed defenders are only second in their rapid response to perceived offences as Bono’s even more vocal detractors. One you can’t offer the least criticism of, the other it is apparently forbidden to praise. But I have a solution. Maybe Bono & SuBo should do a duet as BoBo, then the SuBo defenders could take on the Bono haters & cancel each other out.
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How Susan Boyle conquered the world
Published: 5:40PM GMT 13 Jan 2010
At the turn of the century, when starry-eyed pundits gazed into crystal balls and imagined what the future of pop might look and sound like, not even the maddest visionary would have predicted that by 2010 the biggest-selling star in the world would be a frumpy, middle-aged spinster singing showtunes.
I Dreamed a Dream by Susan Boyle shifted 6.2 million copies worldwide last year, and shows little sign of slowing down. It reached number one in the UK, Ireland, Canada, Australia and New Zealand, and has spent six weeks at the top of the US charts. Indeed, such is her popularity in America, that yesterday she appeared on Oprah Winfrey’s TV show, having, it seems, regretfully declined an invitation to perform at the White House for Michelle Obama’s birthday. “The President and First Lady absolutely love her voice,” according to White House sources.
It may be hard to imagine how Boyle fits between Stevie Wonder and Jay Z on the ultra-cool Presidential iPod, but she has a narrative that chimes with Obama’s message, the showbusiness personification of the audacity of hope.
The transformation of a reclusive amateur singer from a Scottish backwater to overnight global superstardom seems to be a storyline as ancient as a fairy tale: the frog princess (symbolically kissed by dashing Prince Simon Cowell) or Cinderella (recast as one of the Ugly Sisters). Yet Boyle’s unlikely success story is not really a triumph of old-fashioned values. Boyle is a thoroughly modern star, the beneficiary of a confluence of powerful factors – the internet democratisation of media, the collapse of the economic base of the music business, the demeaning of the concept of celebrity, the rise of the amateur as star and television’s colonisation of mainstream pop with reality-based entertainment. Above all, SuBo (as she is often referred to on the internet, in an affectionately mocking parody of urban pop alter egos) is a social-networking sensation who could never have made it at any time but now.
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Pop 2010 - is the future fictional?
Published: 06 Jan 2010

- The return of pop’s greatest imaginary band: Gorillaz
Will 2010 mark the beginning of the end of the reality-TV pop talent show? Or at least its dominant role in the mainstream pop business. All pop phenomena have a shelf life. The public eventually tire of familiar formats, which gravitate towards excessive sensationalism to retain interest. Simon Cowell’s shows have become dependent on increasingly artificial storylines, but how do you top a narrative like the fairy tale of Susan Boyle, the frog princess? Well, perhaps by abandoning the pretence of reality, and employing scriptwriters.
So bid hello to US TV phenomenon Glee. A scabrous satire of The X Factor and High School Musical, featuring all-dancing social outcasts, pregnant cheerleaders and idiot jocks, Glee has been a pop sensation in the US, with cover versions by the cast selling in the millions on iTunes and notching up 25 hits on the Hot 100. That’s the second-highest hit rate in the US chart’s 51-year history. Only the Beatles have done better, with 31 US hits in 1964 at the height of Beatlemania. Glee starts its runon Channel 4 and E4 this month. Will the future of pop be fictional?
Cartoon band Gorillaz release their third multi-media concoction in spring, titled Plastic Beach. I have been surprised that more virtual pop avatars haven’t followed in their wake, but perhaps with music from one of rock’s most prodigiously talented songwriters (Damon Albarn) and visuals by a comic strip genius (Jamie Hewlett), Gorillaz set the bar impossibly high.
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Susan Boyle: sympathy for the devil?

Susan Boyle’s performance of The Rolling Stones’ classic ‘Wild Horses’ on her American television debut is such a typically audacious Simon Cowell manoeuvre, its hard to know whether to be appalled or applaud his Satanic daring. Just like his appropriation of Leonard Cohen’s (and Jeff Buckley’s) ‘Hallelujah’ for X Factor, Cowell has staged another blitzkrieg raid on one of the sacred spaces of rock culture.
‘Wild Horses’ is not just any old rock and roll song. It’s a raw, emotional country ballad from 1971’s Sticky Fingers, when The Stones had moved away from pop, led by Keith Richards on a journey deep into the roots of their favourite music. It is probably hardcore fans’ favourite period and this is the big ballad at its centre, not a huge hit single, and not as well known to the general public as the more saccharine ‘Angie’, but rather a kind of distillation of the relationship between Mick and Keith, when they were still the Glimmer twins, two poles of attraction, constantly pulling apart yet bound together. Live, it is often performed as an acoustic duet, and still symbolically represents a moment of harmony, mutual dependency and lingering affection between the increasingly divided Jagger and Richards pairing. So it is a song with a special magic about it, and one can almost sense Cowell’s glee as he descends upon it, dragging it into the crass spotlight of his lowest common denominator entertainment empire.
Does anybody really believe Cowell is a Rolling Stones fan? This is the man who said the Beatles wouldn’t have made it on the X Factor, so one can only imagine his thoughts on Jagger’s mangled singing and Richards superbly sloppy playing. I doubt he is even familiar with the original. One imagines he has teams of minions crawling through back catalogues seeking out such gems. Perhaps he alighted on it through one of the many cover versions. Susan Boyle is certainly not the first person to sing ‘Wild Horses’, and not even the worst. Indeed, Gram Parsons recorded it with The Flying Burrito Brothers before the Stones version was released. That’s how cool this song is. It’s been covered by Leon Russell, Neil Young, soul group Labelle, Elvis Costello, Alicia Keys, Guns N Roses, Dave Matthews and such unlikely Stones acolytes as The Cranberries and Deacon Blue. Maybe Cowell heard Sheryl Crows’ or (lord help us) Natasha Bedingfield’s versions. But most likely it was brought to his attention when a contestant on Canadian Idol performed the song. He would have noted how melodic it was, how potentially epic. He would have mentally erased Richard’s guitars and replaced it with a full orchestra. And he would have delighted in the counter-intuitive notion of the uncoolest star on the planet greeting her American audience with a song by a couple of the original icons of rock cool. It is the final proof that the Rolling Stones have indeed gathered moss. Their image may never recover.
To some, of course, such a version would be a kind of travesty, which must have made it all the more appealing. To most it would be a novelty, which is the area of music in which Cowell is most comfortable. One can only be thankful that he didn’t alight on ‘Sympathy For The Devil’, but that may have been too close to the bone.
Boyle acquitted herself well enough. It’s hard to object to her. She may not be the outstanding singer her fans laud her as but she has a story that connected with the public and she performs with authentic emotion and technical skill, and that’s really what the whole TV talent show circus is all about. I can’t imagine her in pre-fame days, sitting in her room, listening to a crackling vinyl copy of ‘Sticky Fingers’ and dreaming of the time she would get to sing it out to the whole of America, but she seemed to find something to connect to and she performed it like she believed in it. Maybe it’s the line ‘graceless lady’. Yet there a bleeding despair at the heart of that song that she can never touch, especially in a version as musically anodyne as this, where all the nuance is reduced to a plodding piano and identikit orchestration, the sound of a million middle of the road ballads. And the phrase “wild horses” seems as distant from Susan Boyle’s persona as it is possible to get. Maybe she should have changed the lyric to fit in with her own reality: “A number 42 bus couldn’t drag me away from you.” The funny thing about her performance on America’s Got Talent is that even the audience don’t recognise the song til she gets to the chorus, when a ripple of shock and awe goes through the crowd.
Wild Horses has given Simon Cowell his water cooler moment, and may give Susan Boyle her first US hit. After this, you can expect to hear the song performed in every karaoke session ‘til kingdom come, to be bellowed in pubs and parties by every amateur balladeer until there is not an ounce of the original sentiment left to wring out. There’s something to look forward to. In the meantime, we have Susan Boyle’s definitive version. Although frankly, there aren’t enough wild horses left in the land to get me to listen to it again.


